free yourself
It seems simple right? But I’m slowly finding out that it’s not so easy. I think everyone has a motto for their life whether it’s carpe diem or stay strong or any others. To me, free yourself is a motto that’s very, very, close to me. This past year has been one of the toughest years yet: with it being my senior year in high school, applying to colleges, being stressed with everything, and losing some of my best friends I’ve known. I don’t know if I’m the only one who feels like this.. if I am then you guys can just laugh at me. I will probably laugh at myself too. Every day is a struggle for me. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t want to leave my comfy bed. It’s hard feeling like you don’t want to go to school just because you are scared of taking a test and keeping a smile on your face. I guess some would call me a loner, but to me I’m just reserved. With past experiences in my life, I’ve become prone to not letting anyone in completely. It’s weird to think how different my life was a year ago. Now I’m in my freshman year of college, trying to meet new people and making myself sure I go to class. A common thought that plays through my head daily is “Am I good enough?” and often times a voice in my says “No, and you never will be good enough”. I’m not sure who is to blame, probably me. It started out as a tiny seed planted in my head, yet I watered and fed it daily with my thoughts reinforcing it. Was it society? It probably helped. Was it some of my friendships ending? Once again, it probably helped. But now, I’ve become up with my own life motto. “Free Yourself”. And what I mean by that is to free yourself completely from hate, wars, negativity, and anything that hurts you or your body. It’s tough to admit it out loud, but I’ve thought about hurting myself weekly. Last year, I always felt so alone and what made it worse, was that when I tried to talk to my friends that I didn’t have anymore.. they never responded back. Of course, I was so angry to the point of constantly crying that soon my anger turned into remorse. Obviously they didn’t want to talk to me so maybe they never cared about me. But soon I realized that sometimes we expect more from people because we would be willing to do that much for them. My friends mean the world to me, and when they hurt, I hurt. Unfortunately not everyone is like that, and with good reason too. I’ve spent this past year feeling hurt, alone, and in the dark. Suddenly I just didn’t feel like I was good enough for anything- school, my family, friends, boys, and countless other things. But it’s taken me a while to realize things.. actually I tell my friends that we are all better than we think we are, and that usually we are our worst critics. Yet, for some reason, I’ve struggled accepting it. It’s different sayings things to others, and believing in them yourself. I want everyone to be happy and filled with laughter and the knowledge that a better and brighter day is just around the corner. I doubt anyone will take the time to read this, and that’s okay. I’m not even sure how many people look at my tumblr any more. But if one person reads this, and feels better, or really understands that other people feel like this.. then I will be content. I’m not sure if I will continue my tumblr.. just because I am trying to free myself from negativity and feeling like I’m not good enough.
